I know that I can be everything that someone could want. I haven't been ever before, so no one would really have any solid proof to trust me on that guarantee. Which could, understandably, make it hard to believe. I almost have been, I think, but not quite. I have made mistakes. But I have learned from them. I want to accept help to move past my insecurities. I have stretch marks, my breath is really bad in the morning, and I suck at sticking to my plans, and then get sad when I don't accomplish my goals. But I could look beyond those things in a partner. If those things about me could be insignificant for someone else, there's no reason they couldn't be for me, too. If someone else could open themselves completely to me, there is no reason I could not do the same in return.

Someone told me that if they give themselves completely to another person, and hold nothing back, then they could never be upset with themselves if things ever ended badly. I have never thought that way. I have thought the opposite for my entire life. I have always imagined having SO much to lose by doing that. But I see now that it is really the opposite. By closing a part of myself off to someone that is so willing and ready to receive me in my entirety, it is me that is missing out, ultimately. I miss out on the love and acceptance that is mine for the taking, but I refuse to touch it. It's like seeing a million dollar cheque with my name on it, but I don't take it because I don't know what to spend it on. What could I possibly have to lose by gaining a million dollars. Of course I would find use for it. Of course it would lead me to new things. Not that I equate feelings with the superficiality of money. But you can see where my example is going. I have never allowed someone to accept me for exactly who I am and what I am. Only the pieces that I have chosen to give them. And it's me who has been missing out all along by doing so. I always figured it was the other person, and therefore I had nothing to lose and would be okay if the ever left or rejected me, because they never really knew me in the first place. That way, I could walk away not actually feeling rejected for everything that I am, since they only really rejected the parts that I chose to show them. This way I could keep other parts of myself intact, and believe that since they didn't see it all, I still had some good left that maybe other people might want.

One of two people that are biologically programmed to love me no matter what, left. In the middle of the night. With no warning and no explanation. Never came back. Never tried to fix it. He left us to believe that we were not enough, exactly the way we were.

I want to learn from someone, and grow with them, and be there for them in all the ways that they need me to be. I was never entirely ready for those things, but I am now. It's terrifying. And right now, I feel like I will never find someone who will not only allow me to do those things for them, but who will reciprocate them.

Things that are not okay, volume I of several

Making other people feel small... if you are a good person, it will not make you feel any bigger.
Saying things about others that would upset you to hear second-hand about yourself.
Raising your voice to inspire fear in people you care about.
Settling for less that what you feel like you deserve.
Being unsure of what you deserve.
Thinking you deserve less than you do.
Thinking you deserve something that you are not necessarily entitled to.
    These things apply to many aspects of life. Love, respect, gratitude.
Not being honest about the way you feel with your significant other.
Not being honest about the way you feel with yourself.

This feeling's not new you see

I've had it before

I've felt forever, a future, never wanting anything more

Don't settle, don't decide

    at such a young age

I preach to the others while I live a different page

In this book called love, or what I know it to be

I don't know what love is

All I know

Is that I can't stand to be lonely

Fuck him

He doesn't care

About you, can't you see?

I say while I live against my own advice I can't heed

Fast lane numb to pain

All in or you're out

Out of time no rewinds not a second for doubt

Rather stay with you and hate it

Than go a day without

Growing up has shown me a thing or two - rather, has forced a thing or to onto me that I either never realized before or maybe just never wanted to come to terms with. You can't force people to feel the way you want them to. What I have realized is that you can put everything you've got into making another person feel special and cared for, and you can make yourself as inviting as shit for them to be the same way back, but what you cannot do is make them feel the same as you. You cannot induce feelings or desires that simply are not there for them. You can want and will them to love you until that mission has completely consumed you. You can spend all your time thinking about this person, and convincing yourself that you will never get over them; that you will feel this way forever and nothing will ever be okay until they realize that they do, in fact, love you too. You could re-hash it all over and over again and feel vindicated when you are finally able to admit to and take responsibility for the mistakes you made and forgive them completely for theirs. But what you need to realize, is that all that won't change anything. It will make you feel better about yourself and the ways in which you messed up, absolutely. In the long run it will help you to feel like you actually are worthy of being in a decent, healthy relationship and like you really are someone other people want to date. All of which is probably already true, but that you had convinced yourself of otherwise in your self-inflicted misery and loneliness.

OR

You can sit down, be real with yourself, and understand how things actually are and realize the indisputable nature of human beings: which is to, ultimately, be true to themselves and do what makes them the happiest. If being with me is not what makes someone the happiest they could be, then that is not what I want for them. This is not a dramatic idea, nor is it an outlandish one; it is a fact that no one knows what is best for themselves but them and you are no one to argue with them about such matters. It is a waste of your time and emotion to sit there feeling sorry for yourself, wishing on helicopters and satellites for someone to feel a way that they just DON'T about you. It does not mean you are not loveable, and it does not mean you are not worth it. It simply means you are not the one for them. And if you are not the one for them, do you really want them to fake it and force it to make you happy? It wouldn't be genuine happiness on either end that way, and that's no good. If being with me, or a problem that arises while they are with me, whether it be related or unrelated to me, creates a problem for someone so big that they cannot move past it and be with me unconditionally, then there are two directions from which light can be shed on the situation:

a)If they do not see me as a big enough part of their future to work past it, then is that really someone I want in my future? No. As much as I may hate to have to admit it because it means a hell of a lot more work and looking and waiting, they are not the one, simply the next one. Which is not a bad thing - as long as I learned something about myself or about life that I didn't know before, it was not a waste of time and I have something to thank that person for.

b)Maybe I am a nutjob and need some time alone to calm myself down and not freak people out so much, in which case it would be a good thing that they were leaving. Although this option is not a favorable one, it is possible and still results in the break up being a good thing.


Everything always works out to be okay in the end. If it's not okay, then it's not the end. People that think they have found the person they will be happiest with for the rest of their lives when they are 18 and have lived in the same town their whole life are crazy. That's called settling, which is something I refuse to allow myself to do and cringe to see others fall victim to. You can't be afraid to fight for love. You just need to know a lost cause when you see one. All you can do is be completely honest with someone else and respect and understand them when they are honest back. Know that you cannot change their feelings or convince them into something they don't want.

the end.

nevertheless,

you're waiting for this life to be what you've been waiting for