The Puzzle

Everything is finally coming together.

Red Light

I lost a friend. At the end of our friendship, he told me he wished he would have tried harder, but that it was too late now. I thought that was ridiculous. It's never too late, I thought to myself. Why didn't you just try harder at the time and you wouldn't have to sit here telling me you regret it now? It was silly, and a poor excuse to let someone go by.

I lost another friend recently. At the end of the slighlty more complicated friendship, I thought to myself, I should have tried harder. But it's too late now. So now, I understand exactly what my other friend was talking about. He wasn't being silly - I was. I get it now; a point of no return was reached in both relationships. Like when your in an intersection and the light turns yellow but you're going to fast and you've gone too far to stop...

I have a lot of questions...

When you love someone, you have to let them go.

Why? If you love them, why would you ever let them go? If you had something with another person you KNOW you will never find again, why would you let it go? Push it away, even? Would you not do everything in your power to keep it alive? Would you not go to any and every length to hold on tight?

But what happens when that person starts to change? What happens when you start to change? When you start to no longer bring out the best in each other; when instead of moving forward, you pull each other back? What do you do when someone you love becomes your enemy? When does it not become worth it anymore? How do you know when to walk away? Should you walk away? Or should you stay, because you are so intensely attracted to that person, and would give the world for them to know someone still cares...

i want a steep cup

Someone asked me the other day if my glass was half empty or half full. I was going to say it's empty, but that's not completely true. My life isn't void and I have my happy moments; but they usually just seem to disappear, or get worse. So, my glass is cracked. Yes, cracked. It gets filled up with happiness and hope, but it always ends up escaping my grasp. It always ends up emptying out. It will never be full because it's always leaking. And one day, it will get thrown away, because no one wants a broken glass.

I don't know what I want in life. I don't know what I want right now. All I know is that I'm hurting so much inside that it's eating me, and one day, there won't be any more of me left. Everything that ever cause a tear to trickle down my cheeks, I run away and hide from it. But now, everything is unwinding and finding its way back towards me. And I don't know what to do. I just know the pain I have felt, and know that the pain I do feel is ten times more.

a reasoning

He who angers you conquers you. ~Elizabeth Kenny

So I won't let you anger me. I'm done, I'm bowing out. This is where I step down; where I back off, where I leave you be. Because for every minute of anger, you lose sixty seconds of happiness - and that's sixty seconds I'm not willing to give up. No one can be angry and reasonable at the same time, and no one is mentally or physically able to control themselves when rage is all they can feel. I don't want to be like that - I'm making a decision for myself to be in control over what I do. A person is only as big as the things they allow to anger them; I'm bigger than you. I'm stronger than you. I'm rising above you, and all of this. And I'm leaving you behind.

How do you prepare a heart to be broken, or dreams to fall through? How do you let go of a miracle, who means everything to you? How do you walk away, with tears in your eyes? Letting go isn't easy, you can only pray you'll survive.

here's to the nights we felt alive

I'm happy because of the memories we made; I'm sad because I can't stop reliving them in my mind. I'm not angry at you for not loving me, I'm angry with me for still loving you. I'm not angry that I lost you, I'm sad because I once had you. I'm not angry that I can't have you, I'm sad because I know what I'm missing. I'm not angry that you've moved on, I'm sad because I can't. I'm not angry that you won't come back, I'm sad because I keep hoping you will. I'm not angry because I hate you and don't want to...I'm sad because I miss you and I love you.

I'm not saying I have nothing. I'm not saying I'm gone completely. It's just sometimes it's all a bit too much to handle. Sometimes I feel like it's too much. I'm not going to do anything stupid because I know it will get better, it has to right? Otherwise there wouldn't be anyone who would live past their teenage years. But for now, just for now, it hurts.

you're a heartbreaker,

But there's always this one question

That keeps me up at night

Are you my greatest love

Or disappointment in my life?

live again, the sunstreak

searching for the right words
all those times I never had a trace of hope
when you're gone this is all going to be so hard

after all I've been through
i'm finding it hard to describe
and if you
ask me now I will never breathe again

even though you'll never quite understand
you're about as perfect as they come

and it's just so hard to say
and it's just so hard to find
the feelings that you never had
the feelings that I havent said
and should I put it all to rest
and give myself a second chance to live again...

please...

just stay away.
leave me alone....i can't do this with you anymore...
dont come near me, ever again.
a person can only take so much. and me, well i passed my limit a long time ago.
please...for me...

yeah, you.

People always leave. When they tell you they won't, they are lying.
So I'm done letting myself get attached; I will never let another person in again. Because the same thing always happens, time and time again. And I am left alone and smashed to absolute bits, time and time again. But never again. I refuse to let that happen to myself anymore. I am strong: I can do it by myself. So that's how I will move on; alone. I need no one to help me, no one to carry me along. Other people just get in my way and I get scared when they come too close. So I just won't let it happen anymore.
Problem solved.

true that, greys.

At the end of the day faith is a funny thing. It turns up when you don't really expect it. It's like one day you realize that the fairy tale may be slightly different than you dreamed. The castle, well, it may not be a castle. And it's not so important happy ever after, just that it's happy right now. See once in a while, once in a blue moon, people will surprise you , and once in a while people may even take your breath away.

into the light

im so done. with crying by myself; sacrificing my happiness and what I want, and being the better person to avoid a conflict; done with the fighting, done with the drama, done with the wondering.

wondering if it will all prove worth it in the end; wondering if I upset you; wondering if I overreacted, wondering if you overreacted. i refuse to wonder any longer about things that should be certain.

i'm don't want to sacrifice things just to end up feeling this way anymore. i gave up a friend for you; i gave up seeing half my friends for you. i gave up plans for you; i give up what i want, for you. on a regular basis. but i tell myself its for love's sake and it's not so bad. until it ends up like this.

i don't like to be sworn at. i don't like to be yelled at; i don't handle it well, nor will i tolerate it any longer. i don't like it when you develop these absurb double standards and expect me to not have a problem with them. i treat you with respect. and i wait for you to respect me in turn.

i'm still waiting.

i'm waiting for this to all make sense. i'm waiting for things to change; im waiting for us to be able to do this on our own and for everyone else to let us be. i'm waiting to see; i'm waiting to get out of this place we seem to be stuck in. time is all we can give it at this point.

so we wait. and we keep working at this.

i'm sorry...

to so many people,
for so many things.

for the mistakes i have made,
that have affected those i never meant to be affected.

to a friend lost,
to a friend pushed away.

to someone i love,
who i cant seem to let in.

discovering the waterfront

I will promise myself I won’t care
Distracting myself from your stare
And I’ve seen this mistake once before
With your games I will never fall for

I won’t forget you
I won’t forget you
I’m not gonna let you win
I’m not gonna

But I’m tired of lying
Tired of fighting you
And its not gonna change

You asked for my heart
You know that I’m down
But not the way you lie to me
And tear it all apart
And beg for me to stay

I’m not coming back...

Counting down
Make that sound
And you know it makes no sense

Counting down
Till you mess around
And I know you can’t ever change
When I’m trembling
Thrown overboard
When I’m ready to relive the past

Counting down
Make that sound
Break the silence

Pretend its not forever
Ill pull myself together
And look at it as learning
And laugh about the good and the bad
Because I will live forever
We don’t belong together
I know I'll feel better
One day when I can make it through

I won’t forget you
(Counting down)
I’m not gonna let you win
(Counting down)
I’m tired of the lying
Tired of fighting you
And its not gonna change

"it's me and where I've been and the million words I'm thinking"

&I'm alone.
But I'm not alone.
Yet I still feel like it.
&I'm sad.
But I try to be happy.
I'm still not.
&I lost you.
But I got you back.
Except your still not here.
&I'm tired.
But I'm still fighting.
Because I can't give in yet.
&I pushed and pushed.
But you went nowhere.
Why?
&It's done.
But it's still going.
I'm confused.
&I want this.
So do you.
So why isn't it working?
&I hate this.
But I continute to involve myself.
When it would be so easy much easier to walk away.

forgiveness vs. forgetting

We can all survive with just beautiful memories of the past but real peace and happiness come only with open acceptance of what reality is today. There comes a time in our lives when we change upon someone so nice and beautiful and we just find ourselves getting so intensely attracted to that person. This feeling soon becomes a part of our everyday lives and eventually consumes our thoughts and actions. The sad part of it is when we begin to realize that this person feels nothing more for us than just friendship. We start our desperate attempt to get noticed and be closer, but in the end our efforts are still unrewarded and we end up feeling sorry for ourselves. You don’t really have to forget someone you love. What you need to learn is how to accept the verdict of reality without being bitter or sorry for yourself. Believe me; you would be better off giving that dedication and love to someone more deserving. Don’t let your heart run your life. Be sensible and let your mind speak for itself. Listen to not only your feelings but to reason as well. Always remember that if you lose someone today it means that someone better is coming tomorrow. If you lost love that doesn’t mean that you failed in love. Cry if you have to. But make sure that the tears wash away the hurt and bitterness that the past has left with you. Let go of yesterday and love will find its way back to you. And when it does, pray that it may be the love that will stay and last a lifetime. There are two ways to live your life: one is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle.

said and done

Close the book and turn the page
Exit players from the stage
Count the moons and stars
But please stop fighting wars with me.

let go, honey.

This is for those days spent trying to hold back the tears; the tears that turned into anger, and then disappointment. Here's for us girls who finally realized that we deserve better. This is for those confusing days, when you miss him, and want nothing more than to hear his voice, or feel his arms around your waist. Stay strong, and remember that relationships are like broken glass: sometimes it's better to leave it alone rather than try to put the pieces back together and get hurt. Remember the times you cried, and how long it took you to even be able to look at another guy like that. When "your song" comes on the radio, turn the station. When the day comes that he realizes what a mistake he made and tries calling, turn your phone off. When he tries coming to your house, don't answer the door. Think of the broken promises, and the lies, the manipulation and the tears; the wasted moments and staying up all night wondering where the hell he was. Think of how your heart used to jump when your phone would vibrate in the middle of the night, and how it fell to your stomach when you saw it wasn't him, and realized that once again, he hadn't called when he said he was going to. One day, you'll find a guy who's worth all the tears, but he won't make you cry. You may think that you'll never care about someone like you did that guy that you always ran back to, but you will. It's gonna hurt like hell, and it's going to need time to heal, but the point is, it will heal. This is for those girls, who fell back in love with a guy, only to get hurt all over again.

Sometimes you have to forget how you feel and remember what you deserve.