last post, '09

Here we are folks. The last ever post of the oh-so-grand year we have all come to know and love as '09. Lets recap, shall we?
When did I start thinking blogging was such a bucket of laughs? May I do believe it was? I haven't even been at this for a year. Well that's just a little depressing. Nevertheless, I've thoroughly enjoyed these last seven months. The laughs.. the tears... except not actually.

Rustling through my archives, it has become apparent to me that I only blog when I'm down, or sad, or in emotional turmoil. Which gives a lot of sense as to why I haven't posted anything of importance for so long.
It's because I've been happy. Just happy. That's all.
I couldn't think of a better way to be ending what has been a rather difficult year. I have someone to walk out out 2009 and into 2010 with who has made me the happiest I've been in a really long time. Someone who makes me a better person, and who sees who I am and, by some miraculously insane work of a god, likes it.

New years resolutions have never been my thing. I have a problem with self-motivation. So I just don't go there. And it's worked for me so far. I'm more of a short-term goal kind of person. So no. Just no. I mean why set myself up for disappointment.

I was talking to my dear friend Nathaniel a short while ago. And we came to the conclusion that, if we both actually and completely weren't afraid to be one hundred percent ourselves, we would be the creepers with Harry Potter glasses and sweatpants who sit by themselves in the cafeteria at lunch reading their book or doing their homework. And I liked that idea.

I'm not quite sure how to begin summing up my year, as I feel I should be seeing as its my last chance here. New Year's Eve is really one big global event of procrastination, if you think about it. You have to save the partying and the resolution-making and the reflecting all for New Year's Eve! I like that too. Because I like procrastination. I should see if Facebook has a fan page for folk like me. I'd bet my bottom dollar they do. Facebook has everything. Because Facebook is law. Don't forget that, people.

Summing up. Right. Let us go.
Walking out of 2009, I walk out on a lot of hurt, a lot of hardship, wavering faith in a variety of things, and feelings that I thought would never go away. But as I let 2009 go, I am letting all of those things go too. This year will be remembered, and it will be reflected upon, but it is also being released. It's being left behind, but in it's own special little glass box to keep it safe so I can always look back on it when I want to, but I can never touch it again. This year I will let sleeping dogs lie, and let my past go. Not forget my past, but acknowledge it, learn from it, and keep moving. Because I think that's all you can ever do in life. Keep moving. Things are always changing. Sometimes, for me, change is hard to deal with. I like things to be the same. I like routine, and I like to know what's coming next. But I also understand life doesn't work that way. So I'll take things as they come, and accept them in stride. When one door closes, it always means that another has opened. So as '09 is complete and the vault is sealed, I will walk into 2010, in reality, the same as I have any other year, but ideally, with a little more optimism. Let's give it a shot.

you got me

I'm living for the only thing I know
I'm running and not quite sure where to go
And I don't know what I'm diving into
Just hanging by a moment here with you

i'm letting go.

To let go isn’t to forget, not to think about, or ignore. It doesn’t leave feelings of anger, jealousy, or regret. Letting go isn’t about winning or losing. It’s not about pride, it’s not about how you appear, and it’s not obsessing or dwelling on the past. Letting go isn’t blocking memories or thinking sad thoughts, and doesn’t leave emptiness, hurt, or sadness. It’s not about giving in or giving up. Letting go isn’t about loss and it’s not about defeat. To let go is to cherish the memories, but to overcome and move on. It is having an open mind & confidence in the future. Letting go is learning and experiencing and growing. To let go is to be thankful for the experiences that made you laugh, made you cry, and made you grow. It’s about all that you have, all that you had, and all that you will soon gain. Letting go is having the courage to accept change, and the strength to keep moving. Letting go is growing up. It is realizing that the heart can sometimes be the most potent remedy. To let go is to open a door, and to clear a path, and to set yourself right.

My Blog.

Does anyone even read it?
Testing one two?
Anyone?
There seems to be some static.. hold on a sec...
There we go.
Still no one there?
Good. Perfect. Then we're ready to go.

I have a blog for several reasons. And they are as follows
a)To post all the interesting things I come across. Because maybe, if a miracle of epic proportions occurs and someone actually reads this shit, they can get something out of it. And I think that'd be pretty cool.
b)For me. My blog is kind of like my emotional timeline. I can look back at my posts and remember what inspired me to post them, or what they make me think about, or what was going on at the time I posted them, and I can go back through them that way and see the different stages and people and feelings I've gone through as time has progressed. Also pretty neat.
c)To just get it all out. I actually LIKE the fact that probably no one sees my blog. I have told no one I know that I have a blog, and I don't plan on it. I don't have a blog to write all my sappy dramatic bullshit for all my friends to read and then feel sorry for me. Because that's gay. I convey how I feel in a bunch of different ways. I post song lyrics that relate to my feelings, or pictures that depict what's going on in my head, or else I just put it in plain words. Writing and expressing myself via words is my strong point. I'm good at it. So I try to be somewhat creative with it.

I just think that in ten years when I have long stopped posting and I remember that I had a blog at one point, it will be really cool to look through it all and remember what it was like to be the me that I am right now.

the sun says "Welcome Home" but I'm feeling all alone

I gave my best
But sometimes I must confess
My hope runs dry
And I draw lines
It makes things harder

So I have to believe
That this is gonna be my year
I'll stand up straight
Look alive, and be on standby

A cloudless sky
How the summer meets the eyes
Here I am
A lung and soul of good intentions
It comes & goes
Just like a ghost I always know
I watch the snails, cross the roads
But they never make it

Memories

All of my memories keep you near.
In silent moments,
Imagine you'd be here.
All of my memories keep you near.
In silent whispers, silent tears.

Together in all these memories,
I see your smile.
All of the memories I hold dear.
Darling you know I'll love you,
Til the end of time.

"Be Who You Are and Say What You Feel Because Those Who Mind Don't Matter and Those Who Matter Don't Mind.” - Dr. Seuss

frustration at its best.

Lately, I have been feeling really, really stuck. It's like everything I want and everything I need is just out of reach. It's dangling there in front of me, just a little to high and a little too far away. I can't really explain it, nor do I know what exactly it is I can't seem to reach. I can't put my finger on what's missing; yet I know something is just not right. There's a piece of the puzzle yet to fall into place, and I won't be able to relax until that puzzle is whole and perfect again.

sometimes,

I think it would be cool to be in a coma.
I wonder what actually happens in that split second before you die.
I wish I could fly.
I wonder if I'm mentally retarded, and I just don't know it. Do people with mental illnesses know they have mental illnesses? Or do they just think they're different and everyone else is weird and looks at them funny. Cause I feel like that sometimes.
I wonder if I'm fat enough to be a plus sized model. Cause even plus sized models...are pretty fuckin skinny.
What it would be like to be in jail. And if I maybe would enjoy it. I like solitude.
I hate everyone I know.
I consider believing in God.
I want to be 5 years from now. Skip all this high school bullshit.
The point of an appendix seems nonexistent. Actually no, that one's all the time. I mean really...what's it there for.
I wonder if I have an undiagnosed something.
I think whoever invented mayonnaise, and then called it mayonnaise, was in a legitimate state of psychosis.
I think...why do we think. What is thinking? It's like talking...but no one can hear you. How does it work? Like it's just a voice in our heads, but it's ourselves talking. Except it's not a voice because it doesn't have sound waves. Thinking about thinking makes you think. And confuses the hell out of you.
I just don't know.

The Premise of a Promise

Actually.
What's the deal with promises? I mean, what is a promise anyway? "Promise". That's a word. That's all I get outta that. There are millions of others like it... Nothing special there.
But there has to be a bigger idea behind it all, right? Relationships are built and relationships are destroyed on the premise of a "promise". What makes that one word so powerful? I don't get it; seven letters - that's it.
I can seal any deal with a "yeah, I promise" just as easily as I can with a "yeah, sure". What's the difference? It's all just words coming out of holes in our heads, right? What makes that one coveted seven letter word so different from any other word? Different from any other phrase of confirmation?
I'm just saying: I think people make way to big a deal outta promises. I mean you break a promise to the right person - or maybe the wrong person - and it's the end of the world. Hell has frozen over, you are a big black demerit in their book of wonders, and you are OVER. Never to be trusted again. Nope, you blew it. YOU PROMISED!!
So what.
I try not to promise things anymore. No promises for me. Not because I can't keep one, or because I cannot stay true to my word, but because I think they're pointless. Instead of promising someone I'll bring the five bucks I owe them tomorrow, why can't I just say I will, and then do it? Why do I need to glitter and glam it up with a promise? Personally, I think the people who can follow through without having to promise they will can be better trusted than those who have to bond it with a promise so they'll actually do it.
Promises are ALL mental. They're for guilt and mind games, for two reasons:
a)So you can guilt yourself into following through with your word. It's a kind of self motivation; a source of initiative to actually do what you said you would. If you tell yourself your promised, I dont know... I guess that means you better do it. Or else!
b)So other people trust you. Even though, as I tried to explain earlier, people who make promises can't be trusted. Promises get broken allll the time. But if there's no promise...nothing can be broken...get what I'm saying?...
So basically, I'm an over-analyzer. Thinking things through and breaking them down until they pass the point of making sense is what I do. So take what you will, agree or disagree. No matter. Just my thoughts for the day...

But dating would ruin our friendship.

Written by Kimberly Pruitt

I really like you. I do. You’re so nice, and sweet, and you listen to all my problems and respond with the appropriate compliments. But, well, I don’t really see a relationship in our future. It would be terrible if we let sex destroy this great friendship we have where I get everything I want and you get nothing you want. Don’t you think?

I knew you would understand. You always do.

We’re so perfect as friends, you know? I can tell you anything, and you know you can always come to me anytime you need to hear me bitch about work or how ugly I feel. You wouldn’t want to ruin a friendship like that just so you could be my boyfriend, and have me look at you with desire and longing in my eyes, if only once-would you? Of course not. Well, if we started dating, it would only complicate this wonderful setup I’ve got going here.

It’s just…you’re like my best friend, and I would hate for something you desperately want to change that. I mean, sure, we could go on some dates, maybe mess around a little and finally validate the six years you’ve spent languishing in this platonic nightmare, but then what? How could we ever go back to the way we were, where I take advantage of your clear attraction to me so I can have someone at my beck and call? That part of our friendship means so much to me.

No. We are just destined to be really, really good friends who only hang out when I don’t have a boyfriend, but still need male attention to boost my fragile and all-consuming ego.

Anything can happen once you bring romance in. Think about how awful my last relationship was at the end, remember? The guy I’d call you crying about at 3 a.m. because he wouldn’t answer my texts? The guy I met at the birthday party you threw me? I had insanely passionate sex with him for four months and now we don’t even talk anymore. God, I would die if something like that happened to us.

Plus, ick, can you even imagine getting naked in front of each other? I’ve known you so long, you’re more like a brother that I’ve drunkenly made out with twice and never mentioned again. It’d be way too weird. And if we did, then whenever you’d come shopping with me, or go to one of my performances or charity events, or take me for ice cream when I’ve had a bad day at work, you’d be looking at me like, “I’ve seen her breasts.” God, I can’t think of anything more awkward that that.

Oh, before I forget, my mom says hi.

Anyway, you would totally hate me as your girlfriend. I’d be all needy and dramatic and slowly growing to love you. If I was your girlfriend, I would never be able to tell you all about the other asshole guys I date and pretend I don’t see how much it crushes you. Let’s never lose that. That’s what makes us us.

Don’t worry. You’re so funny and smart and amazing, any girl but me would be lucky to date you. You’ll find someone, I know it. And when you do, I’ll be right by your side to suddenly become all flirty and affectionate with you in front of her, until she grows jealous and won’t believe it when you say we’re just friends. But when she dumps you, that’s just what we’ll be.

Best friends. Friends forever.

congratulations

My mind it kind of goes fast
I try to slow it down for you
I think I'd love to take a drive
I want to give you something
I've been wanting to give to you for years...

my heart.

agree?

"wise girls kiss but never love, listen but never believe, and leave before they are left!"

Stupidest thing I've ever heard. I actually read this today - on my friend's facebook page. And it actually kind of made me a little mad that she would agree with such total and utter bullshit. That advice is safe; that advice is easy. That advice is exactly what you need...for a fake, pretend, bunk ass excuse for a relationship. Kiss but never love? What is a relationship without love...? Is it just me that doesn't see the logic in that?... A life without love is no life I want to live... Listen but never believe? Yeah I guess, if you have something against being your own person; standing up for what keeps you going; putting faith into something that just might change your life. Leave before they are left? Okay this one, I kind of get. Kind of. But I still think it's absolute and complete bull. You cannot base a relationship on it's ending. Because all relationships inevitably come to an end. That fact can't be escaped. The ones that miraculously survive into a faithful marriage eventually are ripped apart by death.

Just wanted to share my rage.
That's all.

consider this bill guy

For every sixty seconds you are angry you waste sixty seconds of happiness?
Bullshit.
Because we, as humans, are hypocrites, and we are liars.
It's more like, 'for every sixty seconds of genuine, raw, focused anger, you save yourself the waste of sixty seconds of fake, plastic happiness'.

you let me down,,

As we grow up we learn that even the person who wasn't supposed to let us down probably will. You'll have your heart broken more than once and its harder every single time. You'll break hearts too so remember how it felt when someone breaks yours. You'll fight with your best friend but still love them with all you got. You'll blame a new love for things an old one did. You'll cry because time is passing way to fast and you will eventually lose someone you love. So take too many pictures, laugh to hard, and love like no one has ever hurt you before. As hard as it may be.

...

I used to make fun of people like me.

funny...

Just remember that you're standing on a planet that's evolving
And revolving at nine hundred miles an hour,
That's orbiting at nineteen miles a second, so it's reckoned,
A sun that is the source of all our power.
The sun and you and me and all the stars that we can see
Are moving at a million miles a day
In an outer spiral arm, at forty thousand miles an hour,
Of the galaxy we call the 'Milky Way'.
Our galaxy itself contains a hundred billion stars.
It's a hundred thousand light years side to side.
It bulges in the middle, sixteen thousand light years thick,
But out by us, it's just three thousand light years wide.
We're thirty thousand light years from galactic central point.
We go 'round every two hundred million years,
And our galaxy is only one of millions of billions
In this amazing and expanding universe.

The universe itself keeps on expanding and expanding
In all of the directions it can whiz
As fast as it can go, at the speed of light, you know,
Twelve million miles a minute, and that's the fastest speed there is.
So remember, when you're feeling very small and insecure,
How amazingly unlikely is your birth,
And pray that there's intelligent life somewhere up in space,
'Cause there's bugger all down here on Earth.

guys vs. girls

guys drink to forget about girls;
girls drink to think back about the guy.
when guys are in love they become poor;
when girls are in love, they become pretty.
guys can forget but can't forgive;
girls can forgive but can't forget.
guys break up when they feel
love from another girl;
girls break up when they feel
the separation from their man.
guys feel curiosity towards girls;
girls feel curiosity towards guys
who are interested in them.
when guys are heartbroken they try to forget
about the girl by going out with another;
when girls are heartbroken they try to find his
characteristics from another guy.
but finally, guys wish to be her first love;
girls wish to be his last.

a change of heart

In the space between yes and no, there's a lifetime. It's the difference between the path you walk and the one you leave behind; it's the gap between who you thought you could be and who you really are; it's the legroom for the lies you'll tell yourself in the future.

- Jodi Picoult, A Change of Heart

a quotation:

Alice laughed. "There's no use trying," she said. "One can't believe impossible things."
"I dare say you haven't had as much practice," said the Queen. "When I was your age I did it for half an hour a day. Why sometimes I've believed as many as six possible things before breakfast."

-Lewis Carroll, Through the Looking Glass

FNL

right here right now, god has placed you here to do what you do best... go all the way. we will all be tested to our very souls. we will all now be tested. it is these times, it is this pain, that allows us to look inside ourselvess. life is so very fragile. we are all vulnerable, and we will all at some point in our lives, fall. we will all fall. we must carry this in our hearts, that what we have is special.

final thoughts...

some people think im crazy. others think im stupid.
what we had will never be stupid, maybe a little crazy, yes. but only because we were crazy about each other.
i dont want to live my life with regrets. no matter how much i tell myself that i regret being with you, it will never be true. i need to, more than anything, be true to myself.
i loved you. but ive made myself realize that youre not worth all of the hurt ive put myself through.
no one will ever take away my respect for myself. i will always come first, no matter who i fall in love with, or who i want to spend the rest of my life with. im 16. i have my entire life ahead of me, and i dont want to live that life with regrets. you werent a regret, you were an eye opening experience.
i will always have feelings for you, i will always cry for you when you mess parts of your life up, i will always think of you, and i will always have your best interests up front.
but im not going to live my life thinking "what if". what if we stayed together? what if we never dated? im not going to think of the worst. we shared amazing, and awful times together. we went through alot.
to be respected by others, you first need to respect yourself. and you are stuck in a cycle of disrespect right now. and i will NOT be a part of that.
im happy with my choices, and its going to stay like that.
my heart will never let you go, but my mind has already been there.

something more

what type of word is "missing"? in relation to speech? grammatically and most accurately, it is an adjective, to describe an object who's location has been changed without the owner's recollection of the move, or to describe an object's position as not one it should normally exist in.
but is that it? to me, sometimes, "missing" seems more like a feeling: not unlike "anger", or "happiness", or a state of being "sad". "Missing" is a whole set of emotions in itself. The "missing" I come across in irritating reoccurrance is of a different kind. It's not grammatically correct, and it is near impossible to describe the way I am trying to.

Let's take the phrase "I am missing you" as an example.
Could it logically be called a verb in this situation? Yes, I think so. "I'm missing you", "I'm hitting you". Any common verb with "ing" attached to the end of it can be coherently substituted into that sentence and the product will be logical and make perfectly good sense.
"I'm kicking you"
"I'm licking you"
"I'm beating you"
"I'm eating you"
It all works. But a verb is not the title I would give to "missing". As I said, i view it/understand it/know it as a feeling. To miss someone/something is to want something about them/it back. Along with "missing" comes regret, loneliness, and emptiness. That is what I believe. You don't know what you've got 'till it's gone. Missing is so much more than a "...hmmm, i wish you were here". Not for me. Missing sucks. It's hard and confusing. Especially when what you miss is something you're better off without...

my black dahlia

beauty

emotion

tears

pain

deceit

deviation

anger

hate

rage

agony

animosity

paranoia

resentment

ferocity

acrimony

acidity

confusion

retaliation

desolation

desperation

suffocation

asphyxiation

loved you

made me
hate me
gave me
hate, see?
saved me
these tears
deadly.
rip back
feel bad

feel sad?

sorry?
hell no
fuck that
my heart
your knife.
strife dies

this life

these lies.

remember?

I loved you.

At some point, you have to make a decision. Boundaries don't keep other people out, they fence you in. So, you can waste your life drawing lines. Or you can live your life crossing them.

4-way-stop

this is where i'm at. a four way stop.
i could go forward, into something new. something i've never done before, something that would scare the shit out of me.
or, i could go left. i can see where i'm headed if i go left, but not where the road ends up. i know where i'm going, but not what i'll pass on the way there.
or i could go right. right is similar to left; i can see where i'm turning, i know where i'm going, but, yet again, i dont know where it will take me.
finally. i could back it up. i can go back somewhere safe. i can fall back on a place i've been before and where i know exactly what will happen. everything will be predictable and i'll have the majority of control. no risks, no unknowns.
so, you see, i seem to be stuck. i sit here holding up traffic while i try to make up my mind. people are honking at me, yelling at me. but this is not a decision that can fairly be made split-second. oh no. it is one which requires time, thought, and consideration. but i have to think fast. or shit's gonna start crashing.

closure

I like it.

jesus.

Blogs are stupid.

inner beauty, and all that jazz

A person can walk past a flower, notice it's intricacy and perfection; they can look into the eyes of the one they love and see no flaws - no faults.
But when they are faced with themselves, they see no right. We are blinded to our own potential and the greatness we possess. And I don't know why.

Every individual, big or small, regardless of colour or age or any other limitations society may place on them, is beautiful. So beautiful. I put it in such simplistic terms because it is such a simple idea - yet so unbelievably powerful that I lack the words to better describe it.

Humans - people - are so incredibly complex and convoluted that I don't believe anyone actually takes the time to slow down and look for anything more than what they see at first glance. I don't understand why flaws are so much easier to point out than virtues. I don't understand why a person would choose to tear themselves down when, in less words, they could step back and appreciate themselves for all the amazing that they are.

I couldn't tell you where I am going with this. Because it is such a huge idea that I am having trouble finding the right words to explain what is going on in my head. So I will leave it at that; take what you may.

Another Day

And if you're listening, I miss you.
And if you hear me now, I need you.

I know we're getting closer.
I know you're coming back for me this time.

I know that you left before goodbye.
And it's okay. There's always another day.

I don't think you meant to say goodbye.
But it's okay.
There's always another day.

You never seem to understand, and you let me slip straight through your hands.

crash and burn

We did, didn't we - crashed and burned? There was a million chances, a million changes, a million promises, a million dreams. But in the end, they all meant nothing. None of them lasted, none of them withheld. And now we are left empty and alone. You never even looked back.

I wish with everything I have we could have ended it differently. Everything. This is not how I want to remember you; not how I want you to remember me. I should have held you one last time. I should have told you I loved you, one last time. I should have turned around. I should have walked away before we came to this. I'm sorry, baby. I'm so, so sorry...

Reality.
Such a difficult concept.

senses

I'm almost at the shore. I can't allow the wave to touch me, or I will fall and be crushed forever. I'm so close; I can see the sand. But the wave is coming so fast, so fast. I can hear it - I can feel it. But I mustn't stop, or I will never get back up again. It will take me under, so far under, and pull me down and back, down and back, away and away, forever and ever.

an epic of time wasted

So much time I've wasted.
I can truly say I never thought it would come to this.
Never would I doubt you, but the truth kept smacking me in the face.
Reality. You never stopped to think and you ripped us apart.
How could you? Now our time is gone but it's still breaking my heart.
Tears run down as I think of the days we've had,
and the memories will last forever,
but you and I have died and gone our separate ways.
You are the one.
You are the wrong one.
Breaking the mold.
Going your own way.
All I feel, betrayal.
So much time I've wasted, and I never thought it'd come to this.
Apology.
We had something great, then it was washed away.
We had something more, then I can explain.
I'm sorry.
No. We had something great, then it was washed away.
No. Not all friendships last, the genuine are harder to take.
No. Time to start again, hope someday you'll think of me.
No. The end reality, I know someday I'll think of you.

your no good, no good for me.

I should have listened to myself.

I should have listened to everyone else.

I should have went with what felt right the first time.

But shoulda woulda coulda right? No more apologies, no more hard feelings or regret. It's time to let go; time to move on. Time to give someone else a go because I can't just hog all the good people all the time now, can I?

Yes, I leave a little angry. And yes, I leave hurt beyond what I previously thought were my limits. But I leave relieved and I leave happy, in an odd and twisted way. I have learned, I have taught, and I have changed. For the better, and for the worse. But the better is all that counts.

I believe in soul mates. And that every relationship before the one with "the one", is nothing more than a preparation, meant to teach and prepare you for when you find that soul mate so it can be amazing and everything it is meant to be. So that's what makes me happy to look at what we had: a learning experience. Of course, it was much more than that, but when it comes down to it, we just weren't meant to be. And so now we just have to keep moving. Keep searching, keep looking for our soul mates. And I would like to thank you for helping me along the way.

if you see me runnin' back

I've accepted the fact that we can't be, but I've also accepted that you're going to be that one person I carry with me for the rest of my life, the one that is always going to make my heart jump a little and my stomach tie up in knots no matter how happy I am otherwise...no matter how long its been.

crazy...

It's so weird, you know? How we always inevitably find ourselves running back to someone who hurt us, for some reason thinking it will go differently a second time around. Or that they have changed, or will change, or are changing. When in reality, they are exactly the same. They haven't changed, never will change, and are nowhere near a person different than the one they were before.

Everyone deserves a second chance. I believe this, wholeheartedly. But second chances are very nieve things, and must be handled with care. People have the potential to change, absolutely. But the probability of it actually happening is slim to none. Now take into heart this is nothing more than my pessimistic view, based on only the experiences and come-acrossings retained within my short life. I have no scientific proof, no factual evidence; no concrete examples. I am not constructing a stereotype, nor am I saying no person ever changes.

But I have loved. I have fallen out of love, I have been lied to, and I've been fed false promises.

I have feelings, broken words, and an empty table setting.

And, frankly, that is all the proof I need.

To conclude that second chances mean nothing more than a setting up of ones self for failure and disappointment a second time.

The Puzzle

Everything is finally coming together.

Red Light

I lost a friend. At the end of our friendship, he told me he wished he would have tried harder, but that it was too late now. I thought that was ridiculous. It's never too late, I thought to myself. Why didn't you just try harder at the time and you wouldn't have to sit here telling me you regret it now? It was silly, and a poor excuse to let someone go by.

I lost another friend recently. At the end of the slighlty more complicated friendship, I thought to myself, I should have tried harder. But it's too late now. So now, I understand exactly what my other friend was talking about. He wasn't being silly - I was. I get it now; a point of no return was reached in both relationships. Like when your in an intersection and the light turns yellow but you're going to fast and you've gone too far to stop...

I have a lot of questions...

When you love someone, you have to let them go.

Why? If you love them, why would you ever let them go? If you had something with another person you KNOW you will never find again, why would you let it go? Push it away, even? Would you not do everything in your power to keep it alive? Would you not go to any and every length to hold on tight?

But what happens when that person starts to change? What happens when you start to change? When you start to no longer bring out the best in each other; when instead of moving forward, you pull each other back? What do you do when someone you love becomes your enemy? When does it not become worth it anymore? How do you know when to walk away? Should you walk away? Or should you stay, because you are so intensely attracted to that person, and would give the world for them to know someone still cares...

i want a steep cup

Someone asked me the other day if my glass was half empty or half full. I was going to say it's empty, but that's not completely true. My life isn't void and I have my happy moments; but they usually just seem to disappear, or get worse. So, my glass is cracked. Yes, cracked. It gets filled up with happiness and hope, but it always ends up escaping my grasp. It always ends up emptying out. It will never be full because it's always leaking. And one day, it will get thrown away, because no one wants a broken glass.

I don't know what I want in life. I don't know what I want right now. All I know is that I'm hurting so much inside that it's eating me, and one day, there won't be any more of me left. Everything that ever cause a tear to trickle down my cheeks, I run away and hide from it. But now, everything is unwinding and finding its way back towards me. And I don't know what to do. I just know the pain I have felt, and know that the pain I do feel is ten times more.

a reasoning

He who angers you conquers you. ~Elizabeth Kenny

So I won't let you anger me. I'm done, I'm bowing out. This is where I step down; where I back off, where I leave you be. Because for every minute of anger, you lose sixty seconds of happiness - and that's sixty seconds I'm not willing to give up. No one can be angry and reasonable at the same time, and no one is mentally or physically able to control themselves when rage is all they can feel. I don't want to be like that - I'm making a decision for myself to be in control over what I do. A person is only as big as the things they allow to anger them; I'm bigger than you. I'm stronger than you. I'm rising above you, and all of this. And I'm leaving you behind.

How do you prepare a heart to be broken, or dreams to fall through? How do you let go of a miracle, who means everything to you? How do you walk away, with tears in your eyes? Letting go isn't easy, you can only pray you'll survive.

here's to the nights we felt alive

I'm happy because of the memories we made; I'm sad because I can't stop reliving them in my mind. I'm not angry at you for not loving me, I'm angry with me for still loving you. I'm not angry that I lost you, I'm sad because I once had you. I'm not angry that I can't have you, I'm sad because I know what I'm missing. I'm not angry that you've moved on, I'm sad because I can't. I'm not angry that you won't come back, I'm sad because I keep hoping you will. I'm not angry because I hate you and don't want to...I'm sad because I miss you and I love you.

I'm not saying I have nothing. I'm not saying I'm gone completely. It's just sometimes it's all a bit too much to handle. Sometimes I feel like it's too much. I'm not going to do anything stupid because I know it will get better, it has to right? Otherwise there wouldn't be anyone who would live past their teenage years. But for now, just for now, it hurts.

you're a heartbreaker,

But there's always this one question

That keeps me up at night

Are you my greatest love

Or disappointment in my life?

live again, the sunstreak

searching for the right words
all those times I never had a trace of hope
when you're gone this is all going to be so hard

after all I've been through
i'm finding it hard to describe
and if you
ask me now I will never breathe again

even though you'll never quite understand
you're about as perfect as they come

and it's just so hard to say
and it's just so hard to find
the feelings that you never had
the feelings that I havent said
and should I put it all to rest
and give myself a second chance to live again...

please...

just stay away.
leave me alone....i can't do this with you anymore...
dont come near me, ever again.
a person can only take so much. and me, well i passed my limit a long time ago.
please...for me...

yeah, you.

People always leave. When they tell you they won't, they are lying.
So I'm done letting myself get attached; I will never let another person in again. Because the same thing always happens, time and time again. And I am left alone and smashed to absolute bits, time and time again. But never again. I refuse to let that happen to myself anymore. I am strong: I can do it by myself. So that's how I will move on; alone. I need no one to help me, no one to carry me along. Other people just get in my way and I get scared when they come too close. So I just won't let it happen anymore.
Problem solved.

true that, greys.

At the end of the day faith is a funny thing. It turns up when you don't really expect it. It's like one day you realize that the fairy tale may be slightly different than you dreamed. The castle, well, it may not be a castle. And it's not so important happy ever after, just that it's happy right now. See once in a while, once in a blue moon, people will surprise you , and once in a while people may even take your breath away.

into the light

im so done. with crying by myself; sacrificing my happiness and what I want, and being the better person to avoid a conflict; done with the fighting, done with the drama, done with the wondering.

wondering if it will all prove worth it in the end; wondering if I upset you; wondering if I overreacted, wondering if you overreacted. i refuse to wonder any longer about things that should be certain.

i'm don't want to sacrifice things just to end up feeling this way anymore. i gave up a friend for you; i gave up seeing half my friends for you. i gave up plans for you; i give up what i want, for you. on a regular basis. but i tell myself its for love's sake and it's not so bad. until it ends up like this.

i don't like to be sworn at. i don't like to be yelled at; i don't handle it well, nor will i tolerate it any longer. i don't like it when you develop these absurb double standards and expect me to not have a problem with them. i treat you with respect. and i wait for you to respect me in turn.

i'm still waiting.

i'm waiting for this to all make sense. i'm waiting for things to change; im waiting for us to be able to do this on our own and for everyone else to let us be. i'm waiting to see; i'm waiting to get out of this place we seem to be stuck in. time is all we can give it at this point.

so we wait. and we keep working at this.

i'm sorry...

to so many people,
for so many things.

for the mistakes i have made,
that have affected those i never meant to be affected.

to a friend lost,
to a friend pushed away.

to someone i love,
who i cant seem to let in.

discovering the waterfront

I will promise myself I won’t care
Distracting myself from your stare
And I’ve seen this mistake once before
With your games I will never fall for

I won’t forget you
I won’t forget you
I’m not gonna let you win
I’m not gonna

But I’m tired of lying
Tired of fighting you
And its not gonna change

You asked for my heart
You know that I’m down
But not the way you lie to me
And tear it all apart
And beg for me to stay

I’m not coming back...

Counting down
Make that sound
And you know it makes no sense

Counting down
Till you mess around
And I know you can’t ever change
When I’m trembling
Thrown overboard
When I’m ready to relive the past

Counting down
Make that sound
Break the silence

Pretend its not forever
Ill pull myself together
And look at it as learning
And laugh about the good and the bad
Because I will live forever
We don’t belong together
I know I'll feel better
One day when I can make it through

I won’t forget you
(Counting down)
I’m not gonna let you win
(Counting down)
I’m tired of the lying
Tired of fighting you
And its not gonna change

"it's me and where I've been and the million words I'm thinking"

&I'm alone.
But I'm not alone.
Yet I still feel like it.
&I'm sad.
But I try to be happy.
I'm still not.
&I lost you.
But I got you back.
Except your still not here.
&I'm tired.
But I'm still fighting.
Because I can't give in yet.
&I pushed and pushed.
But you went nowhere.
Why?
&It's done.
But it's still going.
I'm confused.
&I want this.
So do you.
So why isn't it working?
&I hate this.
But I continute to involve myself.
When it would be so easy much easier to walk away.

forgiveness vs. forgetting

We can all survive with just beautiful memories of the past but real peace and happiness come only with open acceptance of what reality is today. There comes a time in our lives when we change upon someone so nice and beautiful and we just find ourselves getting so intensely attracted to that person. This feeling soon becomes a part of our everyday lives and eventually consumes our thoughts and actions. The sad part of it is when we begin to realize that this person feels nothing more for us than just friendship. We start our desperate attempt to get noticed and be closer, but in the end our efforts are still unrewarded and we end up feeling sorry for ourselves. You don’t really have to forget someone you love. What you need to learn is how to accept the verdict of reality without being bitter or sorry for yourself. Believe me; you would be better off giving that dedication and love to someone more deserving. Don’t let your heart run your life. Be sensible and let your mind speak for itself. Listen to not only your feelings but to reason as well. Always remember that if you lose someone today it means that someone better is coming tomorrow. If you lost love that doesn’t mean that you failed in love. Cry if you have to. But make sure that the tears wash away the hurt and bitterness that the past has left with you. Let go of yesterday and love will find its way back to you. And when it does, pray that it may be the love that will stay and last a lifetime. There are two ways to live your life: one is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle.

said and done

Close the book and turn the page
Exit players from the stage
Count the moons and stars
But please stop fighting wars with me.

let go, honey.

This is for those days spent trying to hold back the tears; the tears that turned into anger, and then disappointment. Here's for us girls who finally realized that we deserve better. This is for those confusing days, when you miss him, and want nothing more than to hear his voice, or feel his arms around your waist. Stay strong, and remember that relationships are like broken glass: sometimes it's better to leave it alone rather than try to put the pieces back together and get hurt. Remember the times you cried, and how long it took you to even be able to look at another guy like that. When "your song" comes on the radio, turn the station. When the day comes that he realizes what a mistake he made and tries calling, turn your phone off. When he tries coming to your house, don't answer the door. Think of the broken promises, and the lies, the manipulation and the tears; the wasted moments and staying up all night wondering where the hell he was. Think of how your heart used to jump when your phone would vibrate in the middle of the night, and how it fell to your stomach when you saw it wasn't him, and realized that once again, he hadn't called when he said he was going to. One day, you'll find a guy who's worth all the tears, but he won't make you cry. You may think that you'll never care about someone like you did that guy that you always ran back to, but you will. It's gonna hurt like hell, and it's going to need time to heal, but the point is, it will heal. This is for those girls, who fell back in love with a guy, only to get hurt all over again.

Sometimes you have to forget how you feel and remember what you deserve.

i found this, and wanted to share it because i saw relevance to my life :)

I'm not gonna fight for you, NO, I'm not gonna try. 'Cause guys like you are just not worth my time. (And you're not too hard to find) I'm tired of getting thrown out, like somebody's old trash..But hey, I'm alright with that.. baby, we did nothing but clash.

"She's crazy", you told me- guess that makes you crazy too. 'Cause you're too lazy to find someone new. It was all too easy- in more ways than one. But that's cool with me, hope you two are having fun!

Alright, I wont act like I'm tough- it's just how I've been trained. At times I laugh; at others those tears fall like rain. If the day comes and you wonder if you should've given it one more try,you'll find your answer when you remember; I'm still beautiful when i cry.

the journey of a thousand miles begins with the first step

Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, ‘Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous?’ Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won’t feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It’s not just in some of us; it’s in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.

-Marianne Williamson

we live

With life we never know when we're coming up to the end of the road

So what do we do then,
With tragedy around the bend?

Why did I wait to live 'til it was time to die?

If I could have the time back, how I'd live;

Life is such a gift -

So how does the story end?

Well, this is your story and it all depends..
So don't let it become true.
Get out and do what we were meant to do

What would it take for the clouds to break;

For us to realize each day

Is a gift somehow, someway,

And get our heads up out of this darkness?

Tragedy's a reminder to take off the blinders and wake up

(to live the life)

We're supposed to take up

(moving forward)

With all our heads up

Cuz life is worth living.

We live, we love, we forgive and never give up

Cuz the days we are given are gifts from above

And today we remember to live and to love

We live, we love, we forgive and never give up

Cuz the days we are given are gifts from above

And today we remember to live and to love.

- superchick

i agree

"Our eyes are placed in front because it is more important to look ahead than to look back."

1 Corinthians 13:4-7, 8, 13

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails.

And now, these three remain: faith, hope, and love. But the greatest of these is love.

my own personal creation

young love is so confusing.

that is the extent of my descriptive abilities towards "teenage love". if i was to try and create a thesaurus entry for "young love", it would somewhat resemble the following:

1. young love, {noun, state of being} teenage love, adolescent obesssion, premature intimacy, infantile admiration, state of hella confusion, freedom

Definiton: the strangest, oddest, most awkward, amazing, awesome, fun, carefree, dreamlike state one will ever find themselves immersed into. One will never again find themselves so crazy, intense, or full of hope than while in this state or acting along with such a noun.

Antonyms: clarity, maturity, reality, matrimony

"learn to pick yourself up"

sometimes you just need to cry and be sad. you need to break down and be torn apart. you need to learn how to pick yourself up and put yourself back together. sometimes, the only way to be happy is to give into sadness first. cause without sadness, there is no happiness. and without being able to appreciate that difference, you would never learn to smile.

the line.

Where is the line between thinking realistically and thinking idealistically drawn?
When does calling one's thinking realistic cross over into nothing more than giving realistic support to ideals?

With young age comes an undoubtable and inevitable hope, and ability to dream.

My Thoughts on Happy

Happiness. Happy. Being happy. A state of happiness. A state of being happy. Say happy over and over again. Keep saying it until it no longer sounds like a real word anymore. This is how I feel.
I used to be happy, and I used to know what happiness was, by a definition my youthful mind had itself wrapped around. Happy used to be blue kool-aid and "girled cheese" my dad made for my sisters and I. Girled cheese was my favourite. Girled cheese for my beautiful girls, he said. Happiness was when I was safe in my fort under the kitchen table. It was so simple, and so easy.
As I have grown, my connotation of happiness has morphed so drastically. Happiness is no longer a tangible object for me. Happy is now something I feel I only can ever reach for. I'm on my tip toes with my fingers stretched as far as they can go and happy is dangled an inch higher, just to taunt me. 'The pursuit of happiness' is a scarily accurate phrase. Happy has become kind of like a noun to me, instead of an adjective in respect to a feeling. Happy is like when you do that experiment in science where you mix cornstarch and water or whatever it is and just when you think you have it in your hand, it melts away. Happy is cunning and cruel and definately idiot-proof. Or maybe its the other way around - think about it this way: maybe happiness is something that only comes when you stop thinking about it. It hits you when you least expect it, but then as soon as your start analyzing similarly to how I am now, it goes away..?
I have a theory.
I think that happiness is something one can never truly grasp. It's like a bubble, and as soon as you touch it and think maybe you can hold it in your hand if you stand still enough, it pops; and it disappears. And then its just gone leaving you standing there like a moron wondering where it went and why it had to go away. I'm not saying that its impossible to feel happy - I see happy in so many places; I just dont think that those happy people understand exactly what it is that is making them feel so good. But I also think that this is completely okay. Maybe happy isn't meant to be something we can get a hold of - maybe happy is better off unexplained, and just simply there.
But then we delve into what brings us happy. For most, and also most importantly, I believe it is others that bring us happiness. Everyone has some happy in their back pocket, it just takes the right circumstances to bring it out. Were going to take this a little deeper here, and talk about love and the likes: I believe in soul mates, personally. I believe that there is, ultimately, one person and one person alone that is meant for one other person. People may be fooled into thinking they have found their soul mate when, in reality, it is not so and their soul mate is still out there, wandering around, waiting to meet them. And every other relationship may mean the world twice over, but they are simply preparations; meant to teach and ready for when fate crashes you into that one person you're meant to be with.

"Maybe there really is love in this world, just most people are scared to look for it and fight for it". I heard this once. And I believe it. I believe you have to first be not afraid to look for your soul mate and to believe he or she actually exists, and to then not be afraid to fight for them. And to do whatever it takes to keep them with you. I believe that when I have found this one special person, that is when I will know true happiness. This is when everything will feel right, and long forgotten girled cheeses and empty kool-aid glasses will be nothing more than fragments of a past, and will be looked upon as fond memories of what I once thought to be my happy. I will have found a new happy, and I will never let it go.

-- if today was your last day

My best friend gave me the best advice: he said each day's a gift and not a given right. Leave no stone unturned, leave your fears behind - and try to take the path less traveled by. That first step you take is the longest stride.

If today was your last day and tomorrow was too late, could you say goodbye to yesterday? Would you live each moment like your last? Leave old pictures in the past, donate every dime you have? If today was your last day.. what if, what if, today was your last day?

Against the grain should be a way of life. What's worth the prize is always worth the fight. Every second counts 'cause there's no second try; so live like you'll never live it twice. Don't take the free ride in your own life.

Would you call old friends you never see? Reminisce old memories? Would you forgive your enemies? Would you find that one you're dreamin' of? Swear up and down to God above that you'll finally fall in love, if today was your last day?

If today was your last day, would you make your mark by mending a broken heart? You know it's never too late to shoot for the stars regardless of who you are.

So do whatever it takes 'cause you can't rewind a moment in this life. Let nothin' stand in your way. 'Cause the hands of time are never on your side.

-Nickelback

onward and upward.

Regret. Hindsight. Foresight. What could have been if you had done it differently, or never at all. Thats what we'll never know -- and its what kills me. If I had made my choices for different reasons, where would I be now? Would things be better? Worse? Would it have changed lives? As much as you can try to live life for the moment and with no regrets, sometimes they sneak up on you. They hit you where it hurts, and its not fair. Looking back it's easy to see where you went wrong, where you messed up, where you should have turned the other way and simply let go. But it wasn't that easy at the time. How could you have known who you were impacting? How could it have been possible to guess where those choices would carry you? Foresight is foggy, fate can be cruel. Every action has an equal reaction; a consequence. And consequences are not always easy to accept. Coming to terms with yourself is harsh. Realizing what you did and having to look around and see how it affected others hurts. There comes a time when all you can do is let go completely, and hand it over to fate. Giving up control is tough. To watch the world go by without being able to do anything about it is agonizing. But it's what you have to do. All you can do is learn from your mistakes: forgive and forget. What's done is done. When you can close your eyes at night knowing that you feel good about what you did that day and that you did the best you could have done, that is when you truly are at peace. When you know in your heart that today you were true to yourself and that the decisions you made were honest and right and you made them for you, that is serenity. I work for that every single day. Sometimes it happens, sometimes it doesnt. But that's life for you. All you can do is take it as it comes at you - somtimes day by day, sometimes second by second. Living for the moment, singing jingle bells at the crosswalks, laughing often, and forgiving fast are the things that make life worth it. There are some things I would give anything for to go back and be able to change, maybe go about them a different way. But I can't. At times it's hard to accept, but it's the truth nevertheless. It's something you have to learn to deal with. Dwelling on what could have been will not change what happened. It's done.

A ____ Story. I'm Not Quite Sure Which Verb is Most Suitable to Fill in the Blank.

Publisher's note: I realize that not all may find this funny. Some may find it cruel and twisted that I was able to find humour in such an incident. If you take life AT ALL seriously, I suggest you stop reading right about...now.
Personally, it cracked me up.

I have a cousin that lives on the near side of a 60 minute drive away from me in a relatively small town. It has the basics - you know; church, elementary school, high school (although they did skip a middle and school and mash it directly in with the high school), a "downtown"...so I do believe it classifies as an actual town. Either way. Very besides the point. Continuing on...

Last week the local police of said town claimed to have gotten a report of a dead body in the dumpster behind the A&W right next to the highway leading into or right past the town depending on which turn you do or do not take. Terrible, right? A dead body. Not funny. Until the next development on the story:

It turns out that it was not the gory murder the small town was expecting - the surge of excitement and curiousity the small town was spiked with was shortlived as it was discovered that it was simply a hobo searching for cans to presumably cash in at the local bottle depot who had a heart attack while sifting for empties. I'm a horrible person. I know this. Yet everytime I think about this little story I can't help but to picture a scruffy old hobo with his hiking boot-clad feetsies sticking straight up out of the top of an A&W dumspter...:).

God can smite me now.

An Introduction, So to Speak

Well bloggers. Anyone listening? Nope? Didn't think so.

I'm going to let you in on a secret: I'm not from New York. I chose to post that as my city because it is a place where no matter how individual or how unique a person is, they are nothing more than another face among the crowd. And that is all I want. I don't have a blog to make friends, or to advertise myself, and a face to the words I am sure to write isn't necessary. I have a blog to launch my thoughts into the whirlwind of cyberspace, and maybe - just maybe - someone will read; someone will hear. And that's all I could ever ask for. So here we go, trying out this blog thing...we have an interesting road ahead.