Happiness. Happy. Being happy. A state of happiness. A state of being happy. Say happy over and over again. Keep saying it until it no longer sounds like a real word anymore. This is how I feel.
I used to be happy, and I used to know what happiness was, by a definition my youthful mind had itself wrapped around. Happy used to be blue kool-aid and "girled cheese" my dad made for my sisters and I. Girled cheese was my favourite. Girled cheese for my beautiful girls, he said. Happiness was when I was safe in my fort under the kitchen table. It was so simple, and so easy.
As I have grown, my connotation of happiness has morphed so drastically. Happiness is no longer a tangible object for me. Happy is now something I feel I only can ever reach for. I'm on my tip toes with my fingers stretched as far as they can go and happy is dangled an inch higher, just to taunt me. 'The pursuit of happiness' is a scarily accurate phrase. Happy has become kind of like a noun to me, instead of an adjective in respect to a feeling. Happy is like when you do that experiment in science where you mix cornstarch and water or whatever it is and just when you think you have it in your hand, it melts away. Happy is cunning and cruel and definately idiot-proof. Or maybe its the other way around - think about it this way: maybe happiness is something that only comes when you stop thinking about it. It hits you when you least expect it, but then as soon as your start analyzing similarly to how I am now, it goes away..?
I have a theory.
I think that happiness is something one can never truly grasp. It's like a bubble, and as soon as you touch it and think maybe you can hold it in your hand if you stand still enough, it pops; and it disappears. And then its just gone leaving you standing there like a moron wondering where it went and why it had to go away. I'm not saying that its impossible to feel happy - I see happy in so many places; I just dont think that those happy people understand exactly what it is that is making them feel so good. But I also think that this is completely okay. Maybe happy isn't meant to be something we can get a hold of - maybe happy is better off unexplained, and just simply
there.But then we delve into what brings us happy. For most, and also most importantly, I believe it is others that bring us happiness. Everyone has some happy in their back pocket, it just takes the right circumstances to bring it out. Were going to take this a little deeper here, and talk about love and the likes: I believe in soul mates, personally. I believe that there is, ultimately, one person and one person alone that is meant for one other person. People may be fooled into thinking they have found their soul mate when, in reality, it is not so and their soul mate is still out there, wandering around, waiting to meet them. And every other relationship may mean the world twice over, but they are simply preparations; meant to teach and ready for when fate crashes you into that one person you're meant to be with.
"Maybe there really is love in this world, just most people are scared to look for it and fight for it". I heard this once. And I believe it. I believe you have to first be not afraid to look for your soul mate and to believe he or she actually exists, and to then not be afraid to fight for them. And to do whatever it takes to keep them with you. I believe that when I have found this one special person, that is when I will know true happiness. This is when everything will feel right, and long forgotten girled cheeses and empty kool-aid glasses will be nothing more than fragments of a past, and will be looked upon as fond memories of what I once thought to be my happy. I will have found a new happy, and I will never let it go.
young love is so confusing.
Happiness. Happy. Being happy. A state of happiness. A state of being happy. Say happy over and over again. Keep saying it until it no longer sounds like a real word anymore. This is how I feel.
Regret. Hindsight. Foresight. What could have been if you had done it differently, or never at all. Thats what we'll never know -- and its what kills me. If I had made my choices for different reasons, where would I be now? Would things be better? Worse? Would it have changed lives? As much as you can try to live life for the moment and with no regrets, sometimes they sneak up on you. They hit you where it hurts, and its not fair. Looking back it's easy to see where you went wrong, where you messed up, where you should have turned the other way and simply let go. But it wasn't that easy at the time. How could you have known who you were impacting? How could it have been possible to guess where those choices would carry you? Foresight is foggy, fate can be cruel. Every action has an equal reaction; a consequence. And consequences are not always easy to accept. Coming to terms with yourself is harsh. Realizing what you did and having to look around and see how it affected others hurts. There comes a time when all you can do is let go completely, and hand it over to fate. Giving up control is tough. To watch the world go by without being able to do anything about it is agonizing. But it's what you have to do. All you can do is learn from your mistakes: forgive and forget. What's done is done. When you can close your eyes at night knowing that you feel good about what you did that day and that you did the best you could have done, that is when you truly are at peace. When you know in your heart that today you were true to yourself and that the decisions you made were honest and right and you made them for you, that is serenity. I work for that every single day. Sometimes it happens, sometimes it doesnt. But that's life for you. All you can do is take it as it comes at you - somtimes day by day, sometimes second by second. Living for the moment, singing jingle bells at the crosswalks, laughing often, and forgiving fast are the things that make life worth it. There are some things I would give anything for to go back and be able to change, maybe go about them a different way. But I can't. At times it's hard to accept, but it's the truth nevertheless. It's something you have to learn to deal with. Dwelling on what could have been will not change what happened. It's done.
Well bloggers. Anyone listening? Nope? Didn't think so.
