I know that I can be everything that someone could want. I haven't been ever before, so no one would really have any solid proof to trust me on that guarantee. Which could, understandably, make it hard to believe. I almost have been, I think, but not quite. I have made mistakes. But I have learned from them. I want to accept help to move past my insecurities. I have stretch marks, my breath is really bad in the morning, and I suck at sticking to my plans, and then get sad when I don't accomplish my goals. But I could look beyond those things in a partner. If those things about me could be insignificant for someone else, there's no reason they couldn't be for me, too. If someone else could open themselves completely to me, there is no reason I could not do the same in return.

Someone told me that if they give themselves completely to another person, and hold nothing back, then they could never be upset with themselves if things ever ended badly. I have never thought that way. I have thought the opposite for my entire life. I have always imagined having SO much to lose by doing that. But I see now that it is really the opposite. By closing a part of myself off to someone that is so willing and ready to receive me in my entirety, it is me that is missing out, ultimately. I miss out on the love and acceptance that is mine for the taking, but I refuse to touch it. It's like seeing a million dollar cheque with my name on it, but I don't take it because I don't know what to spend it on. What could I possibly have to lose by gaining a million dollars. Of course I would find use for it. Of course it would lead me to new things. Not that I equate feelings with the superficiality of money. But you can see where my example is going. I have never allowed someone to accept me for exactly who I am and what I am. Only the pieces that I have chosen to give them. And it's me who has been missing out all along by doing so. I always figured it was the other person, and therefore I had nothing to lose and would be okay if the ever left or rejected me, because they never really knew me in the first place. That way, I could walk away not actually feeling rejected for everything that I am, since they only really rejected the parts that I chose to show them. This way I could keep other parts of myself intact, and believe that since they didn't see it all, I still had some good left that maybe other people might want.

One of two people that are biologically programmed to love me no matter what, left. In the middle of the night. With no warning and no explanation. Never came back. Never tried to fix it. He left us to believe that we were not enough, exactly the way we were.

I want to learn from someone, and grow with them, and be there for them in all the ways that they need me to be. I was never entirely ready for those things, but I am now. It's terrifying. And right now, I feel like I will never find someone who will not only allow me to do those things for them, but who will reciprocate them.